Long time no see! 

Lately I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety and panic attacks, not that I have something to worry about, but apparently my mind seems to believe I do...

Anxiety often makes us think we're okay but then all of a sudden we're not.

The problem with anxiety is that we just can't deconstruct it to find the reasons behind it, us in our own minds often choose to ignore the things that worry us, we try to become all strong, all positive, all "it's-all-okay-no-worries", but the real truth is quite different...

People like me whom struggle with these things have a natural way to keep everything to ourselves, worries, problems, pain, fears.... we just keep it all, not that we want to, it just happens, it's our natural self there's no way around it.

And this process of keeping things to ourselves kind of compares to someone blowing a bubble on a gum, remember when you used to have those bubble gum blowing contests with your cousins when you were younger?

It was fun to see which one could make the bigger bubble, the problem was when you thought you were going to win, because yours was getting bigger without exploding and then when you least expected it you'd start to feel the gum becoming thinner and next thing you knew it was all glued to your face and hair. Then you had to peel it off piece by piece, carefully not to pull your hair with it. You usually got mad cos you lost and got gum all over your face.

Anxiety is kinda like that, you start filling up that bubble inside you with everything even stupid little things like forgetting a bottled water on a long journey and this goes on for a while you carry on with your life picking up little lies, little worries and when you least expect it, bam!

Then carefully we have to pick  ourselves up, try to calm ourselves, breathe through it, cry through it, desperately try to find a way to push it away.

As for me I try to get closer to the Lord either by just calling him or by actually praying, it's not easy but sometimes you really see God's hand holding you.

You see, the Lord has no pleasure in seeing you struggle, even though he sometimes allows us to suffer so we can come to the conclusion that we're going in the wrong way, he doesn't rejoice in our pain, so I believe when he sees his child in need he doesn't hesitate to come to our rescue. 

The Lord has told us many many times through the bible that we should not fear, that we should not panic or be anxious for he's there with us. 

The question is: do we truly believe this? Do we really honestly know in our hearts that He is there? That there's no need to fear? That He loves us? 

In theory we might believe, but do we really, deeply know?  Like if someone told you your mother loves you... deep inside you know it to be true, she doesn't even has to say it, you just know because of the connection you two have and also because she raised you, she has put so much effort on you like only someone that loves you can! And just like that we should be sure of God's love for us! The Lord has put great effort on each of us, he created us, he calls us by our name, he knows how many hairs there are in our heads, and he did something only someone truly in love could do! He, himself came to the earth as a human to just redeem us, to die for us. And that fascinates me, how deep his love for us is, how relentless, how unfailing, how unending, unshakable even after all our doubts, and fears he still loves us, he forgives us and keeps pursuing us. He still wants us!

It's good to truly know this within us, to honestly feel this love, I just hope the Lord doesn't take long to fill me with love all over again because these bubble gum contests have emptied me from true joy, peace and love.

But for now I'll just wait patiently, keep my prayers on and trust .